Category Archives: Satire

Beer, my friend

I have a long relationship with beer and our relationship has evolved over all these years.

A mug of “Child” beer

I clearly remember my first beer (or any alcoholic beverage for that matter) which was at Orchid Lake resort next to the pristine Umiam Lake in Meghalaya. I was around 12 years old at that time & was going to Shillong with my uncle and his friend for the day from Guwahati & had stopped at that resort for lunch. My uncle and his friend ordered beer for themselves and offered me some. My first reaction was that it was bitter. I obviously kept that information to myself & commented that it was very tasty so as to not embarrass myself as less of a “man” in the presence of 2 adults.

I had beer a few more times with that uncle over the next few years but didn’t enjoy any of it.

When I went off to college at Nagpur, I was suddenly exposed to a whole plethora of alcoholic beverages. Beer was reserved for those hot summer days when we didn’t have electricity or had an exam the following day & didn’t want to get too drunk.

I remember one evening when Sood Sahib was feeling a bit low. I suggested that we drink some beer & his spirits lifted immediately. We bought beers from a store and some policemen tried stopping us on the way, but we somehow escaped, got soaked in the rain, reached home, dried up and enjoyed our beers.

Sood Sahib Enjoying and Appreciating Beer

I also remembering going to Urvashi with Neeraj after our gym sessions to drink beer with Tandoori chicken to aid our workout recovery. Beer also accompanied our jam sessions on numerous occasions.

My first major incident with beer was when I bought what I thought was “Haywards 5000” from a seedy store in Nagpur, went home and drank it alone. My roommate came home from college later to find me passed out with my head shaved. Later, when I regained consciousness, he also reported some strange behaviour from me but I would refrain from going too deep into those details. Later everything explained itself when we saw that the beer I had was actually a “Haryana 5000”.

When I moved to Gurgaon, I was exposed to a new world of freshly brewed beer also known as “artisanal beer” or “craft beer”. We used to go to Rockman’s Beer Island at Ambience Mall very frequently to drink fresh brewed beer poured out for us from taps.

We used to order barrels of this stuff and get hopelessly drunk. I remember one incident when we went to Beer Island with Soniel’s German colleagues, everyone got sloshed on beer and they ran away without paying for anything and we were stuck with the bill.

Beer plus Laser

Another incident with beer I remember is when I had something called “Beer Buster” at an office party. It was beer mixed with Tabasco sauce and I had litres of it. When I came back home, I couldn’t sleep because the Tabasco was burning in my chest and stomach all night.

Neeraj at Beer island

One of my best beer experiences was during my Beer trip to Bengaluru. We went to a place called Biergarten which was a huge open air pub surrounded by beautiful palm trees. The weather and the colour of the sky were unlike anything in Gurgaon. Even the washrooms had a killer view.

Biergarten, Bengaluru

Not until the lockdown, when I was forced to stay without any beer for months did I learn the true value of beer (among other things). When the lockdown did open and I rushed to the nearest beer shop to buy some, I decided that I would start treating beer with more respect from then on. Yes, I would savour my beer more and learn to enjoy it.

I started drinking beer slowly, appreciating the textures and flavours and enjoying the taste rather than aiming to get hopelessly drunk.

First Craft Beer after Unlock

When I drink alone at home, I never drink more than 1 or 2 cans at a time and I make sure I enjoy every sip. When drinking out with friends (rare), all these rules go out of the window, though.

3 cheers to beer and here’s to many more years of friendship.

Signs you live in a Bengali Household

The Bengali household is a unique thing, unlike any other household in the world (That I know of). The following symptoms indicate that you live in, or are a part of a typical Bengali Household. (Observed from cousins and extended family). People from Kolkata may be able to relate.

Bengali Household
Typical Bengali Family, PC: SBS AU
Signs that you live in a Bengali Household
  1. As far as your parents are concerned, you stopped growing when you were 6 & they still treat you like you are 6 years old.
  2. Your mother still tries to feed you forcibly with her own hands if you’re taking too much time finishing your meal.
  3. You have a unique, hard-to-spell name and you know very few other people with the same name
  4. Your parents have a photo of Rabindranath Tagore and/or topless photos Ramkrishna (and his wife) on their walls.
  5. You have a silly nickname that you can never divulge to your non-Bengali friends.
  6. Your parents have any/all of the below at their home
    • Boroline (Thick layer applied on the lips)
    • Digene/Gelusil (For acidity after eating fried food)
    • Cremaffin (Or any laxative, because Bengali diet is poor in dietary fibre)
    • Misri
    • Silbatta
    • Boti (A chopping knife doesn’t belong in a Bengali kitchen)
    • Kasundi
  7. You call and inform your parents every time you leave home to go somewhere and every time you reach back home safely.
  8. You keep your parents informed about every meal you had everyday.
  9. If you live outside Kolkata (or West Bengal), your mother constantly worries about whether you’re getting good quality fish to eat. (Without good river fish, a Bengali loses most, if not all his powers)
  10. You complain to your parents about every minor ailment that befalls you, including headaches, scratches etc. and you mother asks you to apply Boroline on your wound.
  11. Your parents call anyone who is not a Bengali “non-Bengali” or “Hindustani”.
  12. A football match between Mohun Bagan and East Bengal stirs up feverish arguments in your household.

Nerd of the decade – Part II

I wrote this article about a freak called Subhankar Mohapatra almost 12 years ago. Since then I haven’t come across anyone matching his level of loser-ness, till today.

Meet Ankur Garg, another freak of nature who managed to score 171/170 in his Macroeconomy exam at Harvard.

One look at his Resume and you know that his whole educational career has been an aimless pursuit to prove only one thing- that he is good at studies and exams.

Garg, who is 36 (but looks 63) first wasted public money studying at IIT. Then he made a complete U-Turn in his career by appearing for the civil services exam and being the youngest (22 year old) to do so (I believe he looked at least 40 then).

The freak writes

“In the last phase (possibly!) of student life now, I end up getting this score (171 out of 170) in the final exam of the macroeconomics course.”

Sure, at 36, he is just finishing the last phase of his student life. At this rate he might even start working and contributing to society in the next 20 years.

If one wonders what happened to this freak during his childhood that led him to be like this, they only have to read this quote from the article

“When I was in school, my father used to say – 10 out of 10 isn’t good enough in any exam. Always strive for 11 out of 10″

With a father like this, I think it is safe to say that the fault is not his own but of his abusive upbringing.

Also, in this article, there’s no mention of his contributions to society or any achievements other than clearing exams.

The overall beneficiaries of all the hard work this person put in his life would be the politicians, whose boots he can (hopefully) lick with more vigour now.

Tiger fed contaminated meat at Delhi Zoo

White Tiger, Delhi Zoo
A case of Animal cruelty at the New Delhi Zoo surfaced today, when a 20 year old man jumped into the Tiger enclosure and fed himself to the animal.
When the animal refused to eat the disgusting human meat, onlookers pelted the Tiger with stones, until he gave up, ate the human and then threw up immediately.
It is not clear at this point of time how much digestive distress was caused to the otherwise calm/tame animal.
We demand an immediate probe by Maneka Gandhi.

Bride needed for Kayastha boy

I am looking for a prospective bride for my Kayastha roommate. He is now frustrated and needs a girl. Since he cannot get a girlfriend, he has turned to marriage. Criteria for the girl are

1. Should not be taller than my roommate i.e. 5 feet 4 inches
2. Colour no bar
3. Same caste is preferred, though some other caste would do fine if exceeding the other criteria.
4. Should be working. Company doesn’t matter as long as money is good.
5. Should be fine with my roommate drinking till late night with friends(us) and not coming home at all.
6. Should not wear revealing clothes.
7. Should know how to drive car/bike as my roommate doesn’t know either.
8. Even if superior to my roommate, should pretend that she’s inferior to satisfy his male ego.
9. Should be fine with a balding husband.
10. Should be used to abuses and curses floating around the house.
11. Should be aware of a low-rent spacious apartment in Gurgaon where me and my other roommate can move into after the groom is gone.
12. Should cook well and be prepared to feed us whenever we drop in for some nice food.
13. Should be able to pour beer with expertise without spilling it while retaining just the right amount of foam.

If there are any revisions, will update accordingly. Guy working in a German ERP company. Guy’s parents are ready and marriage can take place within a year. Interested girls, parents please contact me by comments here.

Sood Sahib!!

This is dedicated to my illustrious roommate Mr. Arpit Sood, or Sood Sahib, or Spidey 2.1 as most of us know him… And also, the third CEO of a multinational bank. This is about all the things that he does (mostly excessively):-
Arey Sood Sahib to bahut:-

  1. Khate hai (Eats a lot)
  2. Style marte hai (Shows a lot of style)
  3. Chillate hai (Shouts a lot)
  4. Uthate hai (Lifts a lot)
  5. Samjhate hai (Makes people understand a lot)
  6. Bolte hai (Talks a lot)
  7. Chidte hai (Gets pissed off a lot)
  8. Ignore marte hai (Ignores people a lot)
  9. Gussa hote hai (Gets angry a lot)
  10. Aur bhi bahut kuch karte hai 😉 (Does a lot of other things)
Sood Sahab during his younger days
Sood Sahab, now, even more illustrious than ever

I would like to thank Sood Sahib to give his humble permission to write this post. God bless him..