People who watch TV would know that Mountain Dew commercials have always been over the top. The main selling point seems to be the fact that people who drink Mountain Dew don’t feel any kind of fear.
Life on this planet is now millions of years old. The crocodiles alone have been on this planet for 55 million years now. Earth was (and is still not) a very easy place to survive in. Any animal can easily be killed by predators/diseases/natural calamities unless he is careful.
How did species survive so long when there were so many factors that would have caused their destruction long ago?
Why does a normal person not not enter a dark alley in shady neighbourhood late at night? Why does a normal person feel its against his instincts to jump off from an Airplane? Why does a normal person instinctively duck when he sees another person wielding a gun at him? Why does a normal person instinctively step back when he’s on a high ledge?
The answer is fear. The human instinct of self-preservation, fueled by fear.
Now look at this commercial and see what happens.
A guy (lets call him Dewd) is standing on the edge of a high dam (apparently 300 feet high), looking down, drinking Mountain Dew. A geeky looking guy, fearful of what his friend is about to do, says that he is done for.
The Dewd casually sipping on the Dew, does not understand what the big deal is and says that he sees the bottom only 3 foot (not feet, foot) away.
Now, this should immediately ring alarm bells everywhere. The beverage obviously causes Hallucinations. Also, this does not seem to be a ordinary harmless Hallucination caused by Magic Mushrooms or LSD, but seem to affect the depth perception capability of the user, leaving all other senses intact.
Also, the beverage kills off all traces primal survival instinct of the user and eliminates fear. This, apart from the fact that the Dewd is illiterate and doesn’t understand the difference between foot/feet.
The Dewd casually says “Shoot the fear with Dew” and jumps off the ledge on his skateboard. You might have already got the hint that he intends to skate down the Dam, but now its confirmed.
Also, you see a lot of crew around him (including a helicopter hovering over the Dam), so this seems to be planned in advance; and also, somehow legal.
While the terrified people on the ledge look on, Dewd skates down the almost vertical wall of the dam with a look of menace on his face. We have no idea how the skateboard maintains its traction on the Dam wall despite it being almost vertical.
If this alone was not difficult enough for Dewd, the dam sluices are opened and there’s water rushing after him as well. Whether this was planned or just a coincidence is open to speculation.
Also, somehow it is portrayed that the Dewd is racing in front of the water flow; though how he has any control over his speed is anyone’s guesswork. Just before the water hits him, he separates from the Skateboard and jumps into the water. Somehow, he re-unites with the Skateboard underwater and surfaces in joyous triumph. Next, he predictably runs up the Dam wall (dripping with water and dew) and high fives everyone in sight. Unbelievable? Yes.
So, to summarize it all, the effects of Mountain Dew include
- You forget what fear is
- You get Hallucinations
- The law sympathizes with you skating down/running up dams and maybe other illegal activities
- Your skateboard (or any other daredevil equipment you have) gains impossible traction powers
- You get full underwater maneuverability and vision
- You can scale walls like Spiderman, but with feet
I used to have Dew a few years ago and felt no effects whatsoever, apart from a strong sugar buzz (damn the drink is so sweet!!)
On the positive note, I hope the people who are foolish enough to believe these commercials think that they’ll get such powers for real, engage in such stunts and remove themselves permanently from the human gene pool.