Tag Archives: Tamil

How to become a certified Tamil

Want to become a true Tamil? Need a free step-by-step guide to help you? Well you have come to the right place!!! Just use the following points and you are ready to be a true-blooded Tamil.

  1. Choose a true Tamil name. For the first name, choose any of the names from Selva, Anna, Naga, Chola etc. To this, affix any of the names like Rajan, Arjunam, Swamy by using any permutation/combinations of your choice. You can also have the widely popular name Sarvanam if you are a restaurant or names like Jeevha or Senthil.
  2. Apply half a bottle of coconut oil to your hair and face. Paste your hair in such a way that not even a single strand of hair is able to leave it’s designated position. Also make sure that people around you get suffocated.
  3. Bathing is for fools. Strictly avoid it.
  4. Learn to talk in a sing-song sort of way.
  5. Apply lots of talcum powder on your face so that you seem fairer than you actually are.
  6. Wear a white shirt and a white lungi. Use your lungi to wipe your nose and your hands.
  7. Believe southie movie stars to be gods. Rajnikanth is the ultimate god. Be prepared to murder anyone who insults him.
  8. Erect statues of Gandhi all over the city and start calling him Anna.
  9. Consider North Indians(anyone north of Andhra Pradesh) as inferior fools, be jealous of their fairer skin colour and insult them behind their backs.
  10. Be quite fluent in English and don’t learn a word of Hindi, the national language. While conversing with a North Indian, even if you know Hindi, hide the fact and insult him in Tamil so that he cannot understand.
  11. If you are single, ride a bike. Get atleast 2 of your friends to sit behind you and weave in and out of traffic, hurling abuses in Tamil.
  12. if you are married, ride a scooter and get your whole family to sit behind you and also in front of you. Carry atleast 4 people.
  13. Look the same as everyone else. Select any of these three categories. Clean shaven, moustache or beard and look like everyone in your category.
  14. Put coconut in everything you cook and cook everything in coconut oil.
  15. Take your family for a dinner in a restaurant and sit on any of the tables you find space even if some chairs on that table are already occupied. Don’t order separately for your children. Let them beg for food and then give them morsels from your own plate.
  16. Take your family for a dinner to a North Indian restaurant and order Dosa/Idli. When turned down, make a scene and hurl profanities in Tamil.

If you follow all of these points, you are ready to settle down in this state and feel right at home.