How to become a certified Tamil

Want to become a true Tamil? Need a free step-by-step guide to help you? Well you have come to the right place!!! Just use the following points and you are ready to be a true-blooded Tamil.

  1. Choose a true Tamil name. For the first name, choose any of the names from Selva, Anna, Naga, Chola etc. To this, affix any of the names like Rajan, Arjunam, Swamy by using any permutation/combinations of your choice. You can also have the widely popular name Sarvanam if you are a restaurant or names like Jeevha or Senthil.
  2. Apply half a bottle of coconut oil to your hair and face. Paste your hair in such a way that not even a single strand of hair is able to leave it’s designated position. Also make sure that people around you get suffocated.
  3. Bathing is for fools. Strictly avoid it.
  4. Learn to talk in a sing-song sort of way.
  5. Apply lots of talcum powder on your face so that you seem fairer than you actually are.
  6. Wear a white shirt and a white lungi. Use your lungi to wipe your nose and your hands.
  7. Believe southie movie stars to be gods. Rajnikanth is the ultimate god. Be prepared to murder anyone who insults him.
  8. Erect statues of Gandhi all over the city and start calling him Anna.
  9. Consider North Indians(anyone north of Andhra Pradesh) as inferior fools, be jealous of their fairer skin colour and insult them behind their backs.
  10. Be quite fluent in English and don’t learn a word of Hindi, the national language. While conversing with a North Indian, even if you know Hindi, hide the fact and insult him in Tamil so that he cannot understand.
  11. If you are single, ride a bike. Get atleast 2 of your friends to sit behind you and weave in and out of traffic, hurling abuses in Tamil.
  12. if you are married, ride a scooter and get your whole family to sit behind you and also in front of you. Carry atleast 4 people.
  13. Look the same as everyone else. Select any of these three categories. Clean shaven, moustache or beard and look like everyone in your category.
  14. Put coconut in everything you cook and cook everything in coconut oil.
  15. Take your family for a dinner in a restaurant and sit on any of the tables you find space even if some chairs on that table are already occupied. Don’t order separately for your children. Let them beg for food and then give them morsels from your own plate.
  16. Take your family for a dinner to a North Indian restaurant and order Dosa/Idli. When turned down, make a scene and hurl profanities in Tamil.

If you follow all of these points, you are ready to settle down in this state and feel right at home.

8 thoughts on “How to become a certified Tamil”

  1. “…Be quite fluent in English and don’t learn a word of Hindi, the national language”Firstly, the States of India were divided on the basis of language in the 1960s, but not a single stateis completely monolingual. With over a billion people, India has 800 mother tongues, 22 scheduled languages and primary school education in about 67 languages. It isnt logical and practical to imposeone language for all. India has no national language, but Hindi is the country’s official language. English has the status of an associate language in India. So do get your facts right before spouting off nonsense about Hindi being the national language andeveryone who is anyone in india must know to speak Hindi. Every state has its unique language and culture therby. So SOD OFF YOU HINDI FREAK…AND STUFF YOUR NONSENSICAL IMPOSITIONS AND EXPECTATIONS OF LORDING OVER EVERYONE.”Choose a true Tamil name. For the first name, choose any of the names from Selva, Anna, Naga, Chola etc. To this, affix any of the names like Rajan, Arjunam, Swamy by using any permutation/combinations of your choice. You can also have the widely popular name Sarvanam if you are a restaurant or names like Jeevha or Senthil.”Names people choose for their children is subjective and the implications thereof. They dont chooseto have names that pleases you or your hindi speaking beetel chewing and spitting faggots. To evenfind fault with the names of people who you dont even know and even if you do know them it is thesingle most gutterly thing to write about and speaks of the nature of a remarkably, shockinguncivilized and basest upbringing you have had.People dont talk about the Ajays, Amars, Lals, Sanjays, Pranavs, Kirans, Jays, Mukuls etc etc and if it has to be a girl then its hte stream of Rinkys, Pinkus, Tinkys…you can imagine the rest of thosecolourful and tasteful and artistic and thought provoking names.Thank you for your excellent example of hypocrisy. I was waiting for your tamilphobes to come out from the closet.”Apply half a bottle of coconut oil to your hair and face. Paste your hair in such a way that not even a single strand of hair is able to leave it’s designated position. Also make sure that people around you get suffocated.”Again, its the individuals choice. Who the hell are you to stand on the self assumed pedestal of iconic importance in fashion or whats cool or whatever crap. And you dont suffocate just fromthe odour of coconut oil. You will SURELY SUFFOCATE when you do inhale your obnoxious andtoxic gases while you are taking the dump.”Wear a white shirt and a white lungi. Use your lungi to wipe your nose and your hands.”Now what exactly is your problem? Wearing traditional clothes offends you? And I can quote a million instances where people from the North and I mean the primitive states of Bihar, Maharashtraetc etc(Iam fairly sure you come from one of them) where people do the same thing and far worser.I would like to see how you will cope with a smelly shoe on your head at 100m/hr.And for your information, only the north indians continue to speak in hindi even when they know the others dont speak their language and the decent thing would be to speak the common language.Of course, expecting decency is far too much of an ask. We are proud of our film stars and yes some may think they are gods. But that has nothing to do with you. Dont tell me you people dont drool over your film stars what with all the hype and all.The rest arent even worth reading…Or you a ponce? Or just naiive?Thought I recognised you. Let me guess, you’re one of those people that goes to concerts and spends all your time throwing bottles at the band, aren’t you? That is, if ever you’ve been to one.. If not, no matter.You are still the cringe worthy wanker that you undoubtedly are.Cliches exists for a reason – to be shunned and avoided like the plague, like your blog. I’ve been more entertained cleaning mould from the underside of my fridge than I had reading your first post. It’s amazing how you never lose yourself in your tangle of words. How you contrive to remember so much of your trip to TN is astounding. Stay at home, keep a diary, read Jonathan Raban and weep with due humility.And if you dont know who Jonathan Raban is google it and get yourself his book.I think this piece of dog pile that you call your blog is supposed be either a hoax or “ironic”. Unfortunately, if it is suppossed to be ironic it has completly missed point by being a bit crap.What cosmic lapse of judgement allowed this to go live?Get back to your school or whatever it is that you pretend you are doing or good at and dontever write shit again and dont ever visit TN again… Iam suspecting you didnt mention the fact thatyou were booted out of TN maybe with your attitude. No wonder you stayed only a short while.Thank god for small mercies..We dont want turds like you in our state. EVER.

  2. tldr you southie sensitive biatch!If you are so sensitive then why dont you go and fight in Sri Lanka for your own country you dumbshit?This was supposed to be funny not personal, I bet you can relate to each and every point in this post that is why you painstakingly covered your ass with explanations!! – we got you you certified biatch.Now sod off and cry to your mama and say yela yela yappa yappa!!

  3. Firstly learn your spellings right and take grammar lessons or get yourself a dictionary before you get Jonathan Raban and before you start to comment.Secondly, you completely missed the point. If you had read JR you would know what Iam talkingabout.If you’re going to write an article like this then you have to expect a reaction, otherwise there is nopurpose in opening a comments board.Now about your “comments”. Its because you’re seemingly a “connoisseur” and pretentious and I mock you because you’re crap. It’s not your fault, of course, you’re just “too much of a connoisseur” or too simple minded to know how truly crap your particular crap of two cents is, at every level. You will one day, and you will wince. In the meantime, you should just let your chum take the knocks or ignore them, you’re doing him no favours. Take time to ponder if the purpose of your silly comments were well thought out. It has completely missed point by being a whole lot of crap. I would rather watch the crap after I’ve dumped. Abuse is the final form of defence for the desperate. Can I quote you on that? You are an unfortunate little muppet aren’t you?Oh god I’m torn between reading this blog and the zero intelligent comments through it’s entirety or watching the contents of my bowl of blancmange drip down my wall. The rise of the idiots! I’d rather be the receipant of a Dutchman’s blindfold that read any more this tosh.Can life get anymore mundane?Hang your head in shame – P45 coming your way.All hail the Preacher man.Okay, one last time for the people in the cheap seats. I do not necessarily disapprove of your opinions or that of your buddies. I don’t get why, when posed a question which disagrees with your theory (hindus), you come out with your claws bared and narky retailiation comments?!? It just seems a bit un-professional as a blogger imho. I was simply questioning your theory. All good theories can easily stand up to a bit of opposition. That does say a lot about yours, if you can atleastget what Iam hinting at that is. However, with the proof of your stupidity before me, I must bow to the obvious facts. You are incredibly stupid. You are a blockhead.That was supposed to be fun? Insulting people based on their origins/backgrounds/behaviour isfun? I know this is all in vain as you are either 5 years old or just unwilling to be objective. I thinkI will return to the less painful past time of banging my head against a brick wall.What do you do for fun pull the wings off flies and shoot cats off the back porch? Do you pick onpeople just because they dont belong to your acceptable set of states or opinions or whatever?And when you say “If you are so sensitive then why dont you go and fight in Sri Lanka for your own country you dumbshit?” what do you mean? It makes no relevance to the subject here.Do you mean enough said about your intelligence? Or is it a way of telling yourself you’ve made a good point when, in fact, you haven’t really. Cultural background is one of the primary sources of identity. It is the source for a great deal of self-definition, expression, and sense of group belonging. Absolutely no right can be used(fun or some such thing) at the expense of or abuse toanother. That is the general opinion of the educated and the cultured which you aren’t sadly. No matter. Just make yourself scarce.Anyway, childish attempts at insults, and boring (and so cliched english) aside, enjoy the rest of your school holidays, you might find when you get back that second grade really tests a man/boy/dunce of your limited abilities. Your lack of comprehension can only be attributed to an inane ability to read what you want to read and disregard the rest. And that really is a big proofof your vacous and pseudo intellectual ramblings. I know, being the god’s answer to humour and all, you are a paragon of wit, writing with a uniquely superior perspective that comes with having simplyan innocuous sense of fun. I also understand that, being you, you – and only you – understand theconcept of irony. Have you ever thought about becoming a politician? Your ability to write a bit without actually saying anything (remotely intelligent) is impressive.However, there was nothing witty or ironic about the following comment you just made:PLEASE DONT BOTHER REPLYING COS IAM NOT EVER GOING TO BOTHER YOU WITHANOTHER REPLY SINCE YOU WONT UNDERSTAND A WORD OF WHAT I SAY ANYWAY.AND I HAD ENOUGH OF THIS COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED PERSONAL ABUSES COMING. YOU REALLY RAISED THE INTELLIGENCE OF THIS WHOLE DRAMATICS ON YOUR PARTWITH THIS. NOW I THINK, PRIMARY SCHOOL IS FINISHED FOR THE TERM. GETBACK TO YOUR HOLIDAYS AND ENJOY.A NOTE:PLEASE DO MAINTAIN SOME MODICUM OF DIGNITY AND RESPECT TO FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS AND STOP WITH THE INSULTS. THE ONLY REASON I DID WRITE THIS WAS TO PROVE A POINT TO YOU WHICH UNFORTUNATELY YOU ARENTCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING AS I CAN SEE. IAM SURE YOU ARE ABOVE 18 YEARS AND AS SUCH ATLEAST KNOW WHAT IAM TALKING ABOUT AND CEASE THE ANTICS OF ABUSING PERSONALLY IF YOU CANT GIVE BACK A PITY REPLY OR EVEN A REMOTELY SMART ONE. IAM SICK OF IT AND IAM NOT EVER REPLYING OR VISITING THIS SITE. THANK YOU

  4. One thing is for sure.All you TLDR (google the acronym you mighty Internet Tough Guys) posters have a lot of time on your hands. Either you don’t have a job, or you don’t value your time.Nobody gives a shit about the JR references.This is the internet and not a sensitivity teaching institute. Oh, I forgot, you are the Internet Gandhi!!! Way to go…Writing in CAPS just shows how big a dick you have.Being a Grammar Nazi on the internet again proves that you have too much time on your hands, get a job, do something in “real” life.Just fuck off and don’t thank anyone if you won’t read this thread or post anymore. You’ll do everyone a favor Mr. Dipshit.

  5. On second thoughts maybe writing such TLDR posts you Internet Tough Guys with Mighty Dicks ™ get orgasms? Yea, and then you maintain the modiCUM you preach.

Talk to the dawg, yo

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