Assamese Couple in Traditional Attire, PC: wikipedia

How to be an Assamese

Following up on articles on how to be a Tamil, Gurgaon-ite and a Delhi-ite, this one is about how to be an Assamese. Information gleaned from observing many friends from that region.

  1. Wear a goatee.
  2. Listen to heavy metal music.
  3. If you can, grow long hair.
  4. Smoke weed all the time.
  5. Say “Maksudai” and “Kela” to address incidents you don’t agree with.
  6. Go to study engineering/architecture outside Assam and pick fights with groups of Biharis and UP bhaiyas.
  7. Pretend that famous people were born in Jorhat and try to convince people of the fact.
  8. Sleep at 3 AM and wake up close to noon.
  9. Talk to fellow Assamese in Assamese while people standing with you who don’t know the language look befuddled.
  10. Be obsessed with the flesh of pigs.
  11. Pronounce “ch” as “s”.
  12. Shoot water out of your mouth to impress girls.
  13. Look at Bangladeshi migrants with disgust and treat them as filth.
  14. Insult every other type of food except Assamese food.
  15. Relish pigeon meat.

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