I have a habit of bitching about the places in live in, or visit. Here’s another one
After staying in the NCR region for a long time and especially after going to various night clubs tonight, I have compiled here, a list of qualities you must possess to be a true Delhi-ite
1. Always talk in fake accented english, so as to make people think that you’re from outside(some other country), even though you spent most of your life talking in hindi. Talking in hindi now is for foolish, un-sophisticated people.
2. Always dress up in expensive branded clothes with the labels strategically placed so that everyone can see.
3. Always wear cool shades, even if it is pitch dark and you can’t see anything. Fashion comes before the ability to see.
4. Always carry your car keys in your hand with the brand name visible. Talk about how you used your sources to skip the waiting list on the car and how you’re already bored and are thinking of selling it off and buying a new one.
5. Set the ring tone of your mobile to the loudest setting possible and use the latest hip-hop song as the ring tone. Take your time answering the call.
6. When talking to people in public, always slip in words like “canada” or “UK”
7. Always let people know how rich your dad is and how many political contacts you have.
8. Remove all the speakers in your car except the woofer, so that when you pull up on a traffic signal only the beats of the hip hop song are audible to people around you.
9. Cover all the windows with illegal black film.
10. Alloy wheels are a must. It’s a shame to drive a car without alloys.
11. On turns always remember to use the hand brake so as to make a screeching sound with the wheels.
12. Start driving cars at the age of 12, this will help you hook up with the girls in your school.
13. Claim to like rock music, even though you have no idea what rock music is.
14. Go to discos with your girlfriend, pick up a fight with someone who tried to hit on your girlfriend and call all your important contacts to get the other guy/group of guys beaten up.
15. If you’re a girl, wear skimpy clothes and when you go to parties, hug and air kiss all the guys that you meet and know but never talk to otherwise. Change back into traditional clothes before entering home.
16. If you’re a guy, brag about how many girls you have bedded and how things didn’t work out
17. If you’re a girl, brag about how casual sex is for you and not a big deal at all.
18. When paying the bill at a restaurant, open your wallet as much as possible so as to show the Wad of banknotes inside.
19. Buy a BMW/AUDI, get drunk and run over pedestrians/ beggars at night. When arrested, have your rich dad bail you out and resume your spoilt lifestyle.
Category Archives: Hate
To the 15(16?) year old wannabe
The post below was written a few years back, but somehow did not get published. I think it is about a girl whose blog I used to follow, though I am not sure.
Ah! It would be fair to start with the fact that you are as immature as your blog. I know that some people don’t age mentally as fast as they do chronologically, but they are immature in different ways. Remember the 10 year old kids telling each other how they had 10 servants, a huge swimming pool, how much money their dad earned??? That’ s how immature you are. Now, to rock. There are three categories of people there.
- People who love rock.
- People who don’t love rock.
- Wannabes
Sorry to say but you belong to the third category. You try to show that you are a rocker to be COOL!! You try to show that you are THE ROCKER. You post things about rock on your blog. But dear, have you told everyone that you like 50 cent? A person’s love for rock is not reflected by his ability to memorise the names of lots of bands, his bragging off or anything else. It comes from deep inside from his love for the music. Converting to buddhism to show how similar you are to Kurt Cobain doesn’t show your love for rock. It’s an insult both to Cobain and to the religion. You claim you are the President of the Buddhist Club of your society. I am sure the club has more wannabes and 10 years in it with nothing better to do. You claim to drink. Again, the ability to drink doesn’t show how cool you are. I am sure that wiff you had from that vodka resulted in a hangover. Also, Green Day is not punk rock. By puttin it in the category of punk, you are insulting great punk bands like The Ramones and the Sex pistols.The only thing that connects you to rock are your manly sideburns which make you look like Elvis Presley. In fact, you would make a great elvis presley impersonator.
All your emails end with the link to your blog. Frankly, doing this only shows your desparate attempts to draw people to your blog. Jumping your sitemeter to 1600 from 100 is not the ethical thing to do. Also, your terrible immaturity is reflected in your msn status messages. Ok, you spent some time with your friend and you thought it was great but that’s no need to put that up as your status message. Frankly, it makes me think you have no real friends. Also, playing flight simulator for hours on your computer doesn’t make you a pilot. Believe me, it’s a lot different in a real cockpit.
I know these few days are very hard for you(We know why!!) but do try to grow up and hang out with people more your mental age(10). And remove the link of my blog from your’s. It’s embarassing..
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The Rock Scene in Delhi sucks…
Today I got my relocation refunds back from office and decided to do what I used to do in Nagpur and Kolkata and never did once in Delhi. I decided to go to some awesome rock pub and listen to awesome music and have some awesome beer. With Goru with me(He even wore a Ramones T-Shirt for the occasion), I drove all the way to South Ext. from Gurgaon to look for the much Hyped “Cafe Morrison”. Someone had told me that live bands played there. After an hour of trying to find South Ext. and then half an hour to find Cafe Morrison, we stood below the Huge sign proclaiming “Cafe Morrison” with the words “Hard Rock” written below it. This indeed looked very promising and as we were entering, the manager stood in front of the stairs. Here’s the conversation
Manager: Yes Sir?
Me: Hard Rock Cafe.. We’re 2
Manager: I’m sorry only Couples are allowed
Me: What??? Couple entry?? In a rock pub??
Manager: Yes sir, only couples are allowed on the floor.
Me: Floor?? What floor? Dance floor?
Manager: Yes sir!!
Me: Shit man!!
This was the end of the grand evening I had imagined for myself. What rock pub would allow only couples inside and what would it do with a dance floor? I was disgusted with the place and immediately left. I called a friend of mine to find out if there are any more pubs nearby. He recommended me to Defence Colony market. I went there and looked for pubs everywhere but could find none. All that was there were Restro-lounges. Thinking that my friend must have been talking about one of these, we made our way inside the nicest looking of them all, the “Moets” The interiors were tribal inspired and the music sucked big time. When we entered, they were playing some pop numbers. The DJ soon shifted to hip-hop shit after that which prompted us to leave our beer and request him to play some “Rock”. The DJ made such a disgusting face as if I had mentioned something horrible to him(You sonnwabitch, Himesh cocksucker). After that, all he played was Black Eyed Piss and we obviously had to leave.
I remembered a place in one of the malls in Gurgaon called “Ruby Tuesday”. Thinking, it must be inspired from the Rolling Stones song of the same name, we left for it. We asked the manager what type of music they play and he answered “Imported”. Unfortunately, the music, even here sucked a lot. The only thing connecting this place to rock was a picture of Jim Morrison on the wall. Upon requesting him to play some Rock music, the guy quickly changed the song and we could hear the starting riffs of Smoke on the Water. But after a few seconds, we realized that the song was a remix by some unknown artist. So were Summer of 69, Hotel California, Eye of the Tiger, Another Brick in the wall and then everything all over again.
Frankly, I am hugely disappointed by the general Music scene of Delhi. I should I have known this beforehand because I have almost never heard of anyone from Delhi listening to nice rock music.
Someplace Else is the only thing I miss about Kolkata. Atleast it satisfied my musical needs.
How to become a certified Citizen of Gurgaon
Here’s how you can become a true blue citizen of Gurgaon and blend right in with the people here.
1. Be in a farmer family for generations, and when the I.T. boom hits your city, sell the land for 500 times the original amount and become a millionaire overnight.
2. Buy a swanky car, write your children’s name on the rear window and raid the hip night clubs. Show that you have a lot of money but not a trace of culture or education.
3. Make sure to brake so as to make the tires squeal at every turn and play loud music. The music doesn’t have to be audible, just the bass.
4. Always carry a hockey stick, cricket bat, an iron rod or a similar weapon of assault in your car back seat. Always carry a licensed(which means it’s legal to shoot anyone at sight) gun in your trousers.
5. If anyone stares at you while passing by or overtakes you at a high speed, make the bastard stop and beat him up along with your friends abusing in Haryanvi.
6. When talking about money in front of people, never talk below crores.
7. When asking for directions from someone, abuse him and threaten him that if the directions turn out to be wrong, you are gonna make him pay.
8. Always say behenchod (sister fucker) or machod (mother fucker) when you talk to people.
9. Make sure your teeth are stained brown from chewing tobacco and smoking the cigarette.
10. Always be drunk from morning to night and make sure your breath reeks of cheap home brewed alcohol.
Freak..
One place where you can always find freaks in excess is orkut. Here is one of them.
Calls himself the “Sexiest guy in town”. Well, the question is, if the guy really is the sexiest guy in town, why does he have a photo of Vin Diesel on his profile? Apparently, the guy’s biggest passion is girls. The activity he engages himself in is “Making love”. As usual, the music that he likes is “Rock”. I don’t understand why people think listening to rock would make them look cool. And after that they mention their favorite band as “linik park”. Ha Ha!! Thanks to such freaks, people like us have something(one) to laugh at from time to time.
6 Ugliest Women in Bollywood
Here is a list of 6 of the ugliest bitches in Bollywood(Indian Film Industry). Wonder why people still like them.
- Kajol:- She’s plain ugly. She looks like a man. Her lips are a straight line and her smile is the same ways. She has bushy eyebrows and looks disgusting. Why do people like her? That I may never know.
- Ekta Kapoor:- She’s so damn ugly. She has a face similar to and as big as a watermelon cut in half. What I hate more than her face is her soaps and her movies. You always have shit smeared on your forehead too.
- Gauri Khan:- She is ugly, but earlier she used to be sober so it was fine. But now she dresses up like some Page 3 model and thinks she’s glamorous. She always also applies some oil on her face because it is always oily and shining.
- Esha Deol:-She is clearly the result of a careless fling with a rickshawalla(George Bernard Shaw). With a nose that has been dug with her manly fingers and toes, she is the epitome of ugliness. Born with an irrepairable squint and a completely wooden body sans any form of curves, she has also been endowed with the most shrill voice which will drive you crazy to kill a puppy.
- Farah Khan:- She’s the fat baby producing machine who likes to insult other people for their singing. Also produces “s” as “f”. So “suck” is “fuck” and “sell” is “fell”
- Karan Johar:- She’s stubby and has a very bad hairstyle. Also, she almost looks like a man. Dresses up like one too.
Why I hate kids..
Because they are disgusting. All of them. I cannot stand them and I hate them. Kids of all age groups suck. The really tiny ones are bad. They look so slimy always covered with drool, piss & shit. They are bawling most of the time and never let anyone sleep within a 20 meter radius. They are in their best form at night when everyone has to sleep. One gets to experience this often if they tries to sleep in the train or an airplane. You just cover up your ears the best you can and hope you die and end the suffering. The ones a little bigger are the worst. They are always running around, full of unlimited energy and make your life hell. They are at their best during the daytime. They break stuff and ruin things. One can experience them in action in malls, restaurants. It makes you wanna strangle the little twerps till they die. The ones in their pre-teens are full of attitude. They think they are better than others and make fun of people behind their backs. You fucking bastards it takes one tight slap to bring you back to your senses. I hate you kids.. I hate you..
Why astrologers suck big time..
Because they are frauds. And cheaters. They prey on the superstition and ignorance of people and not only do they rob people off their money, but also cause them harm. Few days ago, on TV while browsing channels, I happened to chance upon a show where astrologers cheat people. A class XII pass out had just called and told the astrologer he wanted to pursue engineering and if it was a good time to do it. The astrologer not only asked the person to spell his name in some obscure way, he also advised him not to try engineering this time but wait for next year. I was shocked seeing this!! How could a man play with someone’s future like this? It’s still bearable till you just take money but this was too much? Also disgusting is how they decide if people can get married to each other or not. The whole concept makes me sick to the bone. These fucking bastards are also in league with jewelers from whom they earn a hefty commission when they advice people to wear expensive gems on their fingers, neck and even waist. How the fuck can gems or the positions of planets affect anyone’s future? (Except the astronomers, jewelers and astrologers). Recently in the news, it was reported that Aishwarya Rai (an Indian actress) would cause death to whoever she marries because of the stars. Eventually, before being married, she was married to a tree so that it’s the tree that suffers the horrible fate, not the husbands. This is not only an insult to women but also to the tree which is supposedly going to die a horrible death. Maybe some astrologer would go and set the tree on fire, just to lend credibility to this profession. So meanwhile, Aishwarya Rai is practicing polyandry, which is illegal by Indian law.
You can’t really blame the astrologers. They are just being opportunistic. If there’s such a vulnerability in people at this age, one can’t blame someone for exploiting it. The big question which has me confused is whether the astrologers really believe in what they are doing or whether, even they are subject to superstition(which is an even worse case).
For now, I will satiate myself by making prank callers to astrologers and wishing them a painful existence.
Song of the week:- Time by Pink Floyd
Kolkata..
This place still sucks… All these months away, I had expected atleast some improvement but no!! Yes, there are changes, but no improvements. The traffic is as bad and the roads worse. Riding a bike is a pain in this city. The other day, I was almost run over by a tram. Yes, the tram tracks are on the road itself. Whenever it rains, the traffic situation becomes much worse. It’s also hot, humid and dirty.
The only thing good in this city is Someplace Else, the pub at Park Hotel. With Live bands playing every night and booze not very expensive, it’s a great place. The Hip Pockets play there wednesdays and fridays. They are a treat to listen to. They play all the classics and Pink Floyd numbers.
Also, I like cruising along St. George’s Gate road at night. The traffic is measly and you get a beautiful view of driving along the Hoogly river.
Anyways, getting tired of inactivity and boredom. Trying to accumulate the will to start going to the gym and hopefully, will go on Monday.
Shit City
Had to spend another week at the Shit City Kolkata. Here are a few pics to show you how this place is:-
This is one of the posh neighborhoods near FORUM mall in bhowanipore.
These are pics of a place on Free School street. It’s a huge garbage dump full of garbage and animal carcasses. The place is very stinky, full of flies. The sky above is full of vultures and other birds eating the carcasses and garbage. This place is one of the biggest wholesale areas in Kolkata. Also, you can see kids playing cricket in this shit place. Occassionally, you can feel bits of meat drop from the birds up in the sky.This place sucks..
